So, you want to know more about Brighton Nudist Beach?
As Donald Trump himself famously never said, “You can’t be too orange”, and what better place to top-up your all-over tan than the uber-cool and downright quirky English seaside town of Brighton!!
It’s also one of the least religious – and consequently one of the most inclusive and tolerant places in all of the UK – so here, you’re far less likely to offend any vicars, or anyone else for that matter, with your publicly exposed nether-bits! Hoo-flipping-ray!
Brighton nudist beach – rather unusually for a beach of this genre – is a city beach. It’s slap-bang in the middle of Brighton seafront, in Kemp Town, and is therefore probably not the place to get totes starkers for the first time! Unless, of course, you’re an utter show-off, in which case, it’s probably gonna be right up your alley!
The beach itself is shingle, and, if we’re honest, isn’t the most comfortable surface for naked body parts of any variety! So you’ll need your bestest, most squishy blankets and possibly some of your mum’s ‘for-show-only’ towels from the guest bedroom towel rail, upon which to recline!
Here, inter alia, we normally harp on about not exposing yourself to those conservative twits who insist on wearing clothes, but here, in Brighton, you can pretty much do what you like, as long as you’re in the nudie section of the beach, which is clearly marked.
It’s been an official nudist beach since 1979, and to be fair to the Tories (who often get chastised on here!) it was a Conservative-controlled council that passed the motion. Hooray for Tories?? Let’s not get carried away., OK!
We’re gonna let Brighton town councillor John Blackman finish this section for us, with what has become one of our favourite nudie quotes. He said, with recognisable anger in his voice, that the beach was a “flagrant exhibition of mammary glands”. Amen to that, Johnnie boy, amen to that!
On the map, look for the heart-shaped bum !!
Directions-wise, it’s pretty darn straightforward.
1. Find Brighton, and then Kemp Town, which is well sign-posted.
2. Walk south until your feet start to get wet.
3. Remove your clothes and those of everyone with you!
4. Lay 6 or 7 blankets on top of each other, and have a nice lie down.
Here in Brighton you will easily find every facility you could possibly want, and many, many, many more interesting and – shall we say ‘niche’ – facilities that you probably didn’t even know existed!
None are accessible, of course, without dressing. But then you can’t have everything, can you?!